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As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..

"Just throw the fucking thing."


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Following Antony Worrall-Thompson being cautioned for shoplifting, my mate swears he just saw Nigella Lawson running out of Tesco with two large melons under her coat. I like this!


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I have to say I was never a fan of Sex and the City, but after seeing War Horse I have a much better opinion of Sarah Jessica Parker!


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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break.
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I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges.
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Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.

I can't do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
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New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.

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I've recently been working on making furniture out of dough.

Right now I'm on a roll.

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I phoned up a Chinese restaurant last night and some guy said to me "hello, I'm wan king the chef" I said no worries I'll call back later.

-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."


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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
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:rofl:

Planets and Atmospheres: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter4
The Dome of Clement: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter2#
Minimal Cheese available at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter
Website: http://www.philter.org

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some of those are real :groan:

But funny :)

-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."


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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
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Love the 'Homeless girl' one.

:howl:

Currently crusading against the Bearded Sandal wearing Lefties


Irritating the humorless since 1973

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Grand Master
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Sikipedia from today ....


George Michael sympathises with the Captain of the stricken liner saying:

"I'm often left abandoned with a badly damaged rear end and spent seamen in my bottom after a night cruisin'..."


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I saw an old lady in the Tesco car park struggling to load her bags of shopping into her car this morning.

As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young man, can you possibly help me?"

"I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"

She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into my car for about ten minutes or so, my back is killing me, have you got the time?"

I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

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Three muslim men found guilty of handing out anti-homosexuality leaflets.

Good luck in the showers.

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Doctor, doctor, where ever I touch, it hurts like hell!.....Ah yes, you've broken your finger.


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Because I was known to have a way with the ladies my mates all nicknamed me ''Mr Lover Lover'' until one night I shagged a Downs Syndrome bird up the arse.
Now I'm "Mr Bum Spastic."
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I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

She said "Dave, get off the fucking swing."

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*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'

-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."


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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
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I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.

-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."


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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
Posts: 97443
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 7:32 am
Location: Smegland
How Hot Are You?: The Big Bang!!
Current Mood: Won Tons Mons


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