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Please note that this is a JOKE Forum. You may find tasteless, offensive and even mildy racist jokes. Enjoy! Laugh, but don't get angry :)

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Posted on Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:15 pm

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As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..

"Just throw the fucking thing."


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Following Antony Worrall-Thompson being cautioned for shoplifting, my mate swears he just saw Nigella Lawson running out of Tesco with two large melons under her coat. I like this!


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I have to say I was never a fan of Sex and the City, but after seeing War Horse I have a much better opinion of Sarah Jessica Parker!


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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break.
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I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges.
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Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.

I can't do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
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New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.

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I've recently been working on making furniture out of dough.

Right now I'm on a roll.

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I phoned up a Chinese restaurant last night and some guy said to me "hello, I'm wan king the chef" I said no worries I'll call back later.
-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."

In a decent society the people and the government should both respect and support each other. In this society the government think we are cattle and we think the government are cunts!!
smeggypants
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Posted on Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:29 am

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:rofl:
Planets and Atmospheres: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter4
The Dome of Clement: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter2#
Minimal Cheese available at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/philter
Website: http://www.philter.org
phild05
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Posted on Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:43 am

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some of those are real :groan:

But funny :)
-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."

In a decent society the people and the government should both respect and support each other. In this society the government think we are cattle and we think the government are cunts!!
smeggypants
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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
Posts: 92518
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 8:32 am
Location: Smegland
How Hot Are You?: The Big Bang!!
Current Mood: Won Tons Mons

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Posted on Wed Jan 11, 2012 7:13 pm

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Love the 'Homeless girl' one.

:howl:
Currently crusading against the Bearded Sandal wearing Lefties


Irritating the humorless since 1973
Mr Squirrel
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Posted on Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:28 am

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Sikipedia from today ....


George Michael sympathises with the Captain of the stricken liner saying:

"I'm often left abandoned with a badly damaged rear end and spent seamen in my bottom after a night cruisin'..."


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I saw an old lady in the Tesco car park struggling to load her bags of shopping into her car this morning.

As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young man, can you possibly help me?"

"I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"

She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into my car for about ten minutes or so, my back is killing me, have you got the time?"

I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

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Three muslim men found guilty of handing out anti-homosexuality leaflets.

Good luck in the showers.

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Doctor, doctor, where ever I touch, it hurts like hell!.....Ah yes, you've broken your finger.


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Because I was known to have a way with the ladies my mates all nicknamed me ''Mr Lover Lover'' until one night I shagged a Downs Syndrome bird up the arse.
Now I'm "Mr Bum Spastic."
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I was explaining to my wife how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.

She said "Dave, get off the fucking swing."

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*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'
-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."

In a decent society the people and the government should both respect and support each other. In this society the government think we are cattle and we think the government are cunts!!
smeggypants
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Aliens Ate My Chicken!
Posts: 92518
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 8:32 am
Location: Smegland
How Hot Are You?: The Big Bang!!
Current Mood: Won Tons Mons

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Posted on Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:34 am

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I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.
-----|0| None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. |0|-----

"Capitalism profits from War - Humanity profits from Peace."

In a decent society the people and the government should both respect and support each other. In this society the government think we are cattle and we think the government are cunts!!
smeggypants
User avatar
Aliens Ate My Chicken!
Posts: 92518
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2007 8:32 am
Location: Smegland
How Hot Are You?: The Big Bang!!
Current Mood: Won Tons Mons


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